Wednesday, November 22, 2017

My ability to read books appears to have been hindered by the relentless stress of the last year.
I started a new book, can't remember the name of it. It is was a slim volume with the picture of a horse on the cover, written about 30 or 40 or more years ago.
The story is set around 1900. It starts with the story of a Chinese laborer being tackled and beaten up and thrown from bridge (or they are about to do that when I stop reading.)
I am reminded of that pop song with the lyrics " I feel the pain of everyone and then I feel nothing."
The book before the one I just started was a spy novel set in the 1940s. It starts with the murder of one young lady and the rape of her sister. I stopped reading, skipped to the end and confirmed the murderer/rapist gets his due, the spy stops being a double agent because he finds Russia and America both disappointing. After confirming that the book's ending avenges its beginning, I then throw the book in the "sell/give-away" pile.
Nope. No. No can do. I cannot read stories with specific, if historically accurate, abuses.
I remember when my father was about my age he stopped reading as much as he used to and I found that so incredibly shocking. I asked him why and he didn't have an answer. He shrugged and said
"just because.." I could not envision a time in my life when I would read less. I still cannot envision such a time.
I am in a library right now typing this but I do not plan on checking out any books. Instead, I am going to check Yelp, find a good local Chinese restaurant and get some Orange Garlic Chicken & Rice.
I will nod and send good vibes to the folks working at the restaurant. If it is a woman who takes my order, I will squeeze her hand and whisper "hang in there, dear."

my favorite picture from my twitter feed mmmarystweets

Thursday, October 5, 2017

rock and roll and vote

                 Thank you for voting for
Depeche Mode Eurythmics The MC5 Moody Blues Nina Simone

 I think it is important to exercise the right to vote, so I voted for 5 nominees in the rock and roll hall of fame today

Depeche Mode: well, I feel obliged to include them because of my age
they were the EMO sad sack hipster cool group when i was of college age.....these guys were the soundtrack to every shallow crush and pukey hangover and late night study session of a few years of my life...not saying i was the one who popped the CD in but i am saying i heard their music often and i still have a couple friends that i think of when i hear one of their songs on the radio

Eurythmics; I LOVE  Annie Lennox so this one was a no-brainer..."missionary man" is the song I think of when i think of the Eurythmics. It reminds me of the fading days of MTV when music videos were waning and the TV in MTV took over like a cancer.

The MC5: I picked them because the ex-wife of one of the members used to be a hair dresser and she cut and colored my hair for a few years. she sucked at her job but she told good stories about MC5, Detroit and debauchery in general.  Eventually, she married and switched to one of those $10 cut places where she could work during the day and be home in the evenings. I quit going to her when I found her wearing khakis one day. I knew her stories would begin to sound like my life and that was no fun.

Moody Blues: Knights in White Satin,Sonny Steelgrave, Vinnie, the Wiseguy episode in 1989: you either know what I am talking about or you don't.
If you rent the Wiseguy dvd, I don't think you will hear this song which is too bad. When Sonny finds out Vinnie is not a fellow gangster but the FBI. and the jukebox plays the Moody Blues, it is an amazingly powerful scene.

Nina Simone: I used to live in Ann Arbor, Michigan and I swear it was a requirement that you like Nina Simone and assume that everyone else likes her too. It seemed to be the mark of coolness to know of Nina Simone when no one else did. Usually this sort of mark of coolness is pretentious and unwarranted, but not so with Nina Simone. She really is the mark coolness. So I voted for her.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

dear european visitors

I am getting back on this blog after being over on twitter for a few years.
First things first, I found this notification about what I should be doing:
"European Union laws require you to give European Union visitors information about cookies used on your blog. In many cases, these laws also require you to obtain consent."

Here is your official notification:
Macadamia Nut and White Chocolate cookies may be used while I write these words. I may eat the cookies and let the crumbs drop on the keyboard. I will then look around quickly to see who noticed my slovenliness. (I am not typing in a room alone but I am not obligated to tell you where I am, I just have to tell you about the cookies.) So, anyway, if no one has seen the cookie crumbs fall into the keyboard, I may just leave them there. I am a slob. If I was seen, I will make a big production of cleaning up. ("oh dear, oh dear..." shake, shake, tap, tap, I turn the keyboard upside down. "I think I got all of the crumbs out."  blow, blow into the cracks. Look around. No one seems to care. I go back to eating my cookie.)

Other information you may need to know about cookies and this blog: 1)  I shall not eat snickerdoodles unless they are home made. 2) Oatmeal cookies with raisins are OK but I consider them a breakfast food not a snack 3) Chocolate Chocolate cookies leave dark food particles in teeth so I don't eat them and I would prefer that you not eat them while you are reading this because then I would have to imagine you with stained smiles (or frowns as the case may be) 3) Nuts in cookies are heavenly but a pain in the ass if you are the one baking the cookies 4) Speaking of baking, you can eat the cookie batter if you are a child under 13 or an adult over 65, everyone else, act your age & keep your paws out of the batter.

So, European Union Lawmakers: Does this notification satisfy you?  You can leave comment if you have questions, or no worries, even if you don't leave a comment the computer has these cool tracking devices that gathers all your info and I can use that to decide how best to satisfy your curiosity and/or buying needs.

P.S. Seriously though, I haven't a damn clue about cookies on this blog. I barely write and when I do write, everything is barely read. So if you are from the European Union, look away look away! I cannot guarantee a cookie free life for you here or anywhere on the internet.
PSPS If you do not immediately "look away" and stop reading this blog, that will imply consent and I will continue to eat cookies, etc, etc

Saturday, May 14, 2016


This is an ASMR post.
If you don't know what ASMR is then search the term on YouTube and watch one of the videos, preferably when you are suffering from insomnia.
I have become quite addicted to the brain tingles of ASMR. Its like brain sex.
Recently, as I relaxed to the sound of whispering and crinkling, I realized my whole life is based on unknowingly searching out the ASMR experience.
I love libraries and books. The turning pages, the soft low voices: asmr
I like to write longhand. The scratching of the pen: asmr
I work in an office. The tapping of keyboards, people snacking at their desks, files & faxes & phone sounds muted by cubicle walls: asmr
I am devoted to my pets. Dog chewing on a bone, cat purring & kneading the blanket: asmr

Ayn Rand wrote something about all people being selfish and that everything is done for one's own needs (that's the boiled down version of her beliefs)
I am kind of beginning to believe her. I mean, if my love of books was really about me unconciously getting my jollies from the sound of a turning page, then how can I trust my motives for anything? How can any of us?


Thursday, February 11, 2016


Bernie Sanders says he will impose a 52% tax on the super rich and Donald Trump says he will exclude all Muslim immigrants.
OK, I will build a bridge from New York City to Los Angeles. It will be made of saran wrap and there will be no speed limits.
Wait... I am being told this is not in fact "spew a stupid idea" day. So, I withdraw my saran wrap bridge idea. (I was going to name it the Bicoastal Slip & Slide & it was going to be fun but never mind). I will just sit in the corner and roll my eyes instead.

Speaking of rolling my eyes, I once got called out by a supervisor for rolling my eyes in a meeting. This same lady once texted & answered personal email in a meeting she was leading so I take her criticism of eye rolling with a grain of salt.
But, for argument sake let's say she is a perfect person & my eye roll was offensive to the serious spirit of our meetings. Even then, I still defend the eye roll. It is one of those involuntary moves that humans make from our deepest primal self. Perhaps an eye roll is snarky or passive aggressive but it is at least genuine. It is difficult to pre-meditate an eye roll. It just happens.
In my opinion a genuine reaction is worth more than a polite or politically correct reaction.
So 52% tax or bigotry against immigrants...yeah that gets ya an eye roll from me. My eyes are rolling like a slot machine in Vegas.

Sunday, February 7, 2016

I used to be afraid of elevators

My mother is afraid of stairs and I am afraid of elevators. We never can move far together. I remember once at a mall she took a small service elevator to the second floor and I used the escalator. We were so far from each other we never did meet up again until we both had finished shopping. It is a metaphor for our relationship.
Now my mother has cancer and one way or another she is certainly dying. I do not feel any closer to her but I feel closer to the early pure moments of the mother and child bond. I feel the memory of love but I don't feel the love. It makes seeing her difficult.
I like to say it is like adding cayenne pepper to chili after you cook it. Sure, you can taste the cayenne but it would have tasted better had the cayenne been added at the beginning & left to simmer.
What does this have to do with elevators?
Well, today at work I realized I wasn't afraid to take the elevator. Usually on a Sunday I am loathe to use it because I am afraid I will get stuck on it for hours and end up being in aYouTube video called "employee pees in elevator".
Today, though, I actually wished the elevator would get stuck. Then I would be exempted from having to visit or not visit my mother. I would be exempted from having to deal with the consequences of my choice to visit or not visit my mother.
I am no longer anxious about elevators. I am anxious about life outside the elevator.